The Man in the Dress
by Lee Isidor
Summary: Crack!drabble - Kanda, Little Black Riding Hood, goes to the outskirts of town on a mission and ends up meeting a Noah and Miranda in a towel. How utterly... awkward. mild TyKan


**Lee Isidor: **It's me!

**1. **Go check me out at LJ! I just made an account, and I'm working on joining the TyKan community, and then I'm going to spam them with lots of little TyKan crack drabbles or just fun stuff like this one. I'm really excited. xDD

**2. **I don't know how to use hyperlinks on FFN, so if anyone _does _know, I would _love _it if you told me how. I'd even write you something! xDD It'd be better than this, I promise, because this was complete crack.

**3. **Pay no attention to the man in the dress.

**4. **Not very much TyKan, but it's there. xDD I had fun with this one. I also bent the rules a little bit. With Innocence and Noah and all that jazz. Just go with it, people.

**5. Visit LeeIsidor on LJ! I'm there now! :D**

_**Disclaimer**_**: I do not claim to own DGM. I do not claim to own Little Red Riding Hood either. I don't even claim to own much of anything, actually. Hm.. I need to go make some money...**

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Little Red Riding Hood - Only Better.**

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_Once upon a time, there was a sweet little girl named Kanda. There was only one problem. He was a boy. He wasn't very sweet, either. Sometimes the townsfolk would complain about the sword he carried with him all the time. Some of them even swore that, occasionally, he would bring it out and threaten people while shouting "Mugen!" They still weren't sure what that word meant, but it had to be important. He said it all the damn time. There was also the fact that Kanda was constantly wearing a long black cloak. He never seemed to take it off, so the people had taken to calling him 'Little Black Riding Hood.' Well, only the brave ones called him that. The rest were too scared to even look at him most of the time.

Anyway, Kanda was on a mission. It was a very important mission, actually. Recently, there had been a series of strange events happening on the outskirts of town, where a woman was said to live. She was rumored to be a witch, but no one actually cared enough to find out. The strange events were people turning into dust, and it had fallen on Kanda's shoulders to find out what was going on. In reality, it had been thrust upon him by his foster father and 'friends' in the town. He was not a happy camper. Kanda even _knew _the woman, though. She wasn't even old or ugly or anything a witch should be. She was actually just a lonely German lady who was too shy to come in to town and introduce herself.

Kanda fastened his cloak around his shoulders, frowning at the mirror in the entryway of his house. He hated mirrors, but the old man would throw a hissy fit if he tried to take it down. He knew. He _had _tried, just the other week. Tiedoll hadn't stopped crying for _hours_, and the headache he had acquired after wasn't worth trying again. The Japanese man slipped on his shoes and headed out the door, intent on finding out the stupid fucking purpose behind the strange fucking events that were supposedly happening outside of town.

"Yuu-chan!" Lavi, his redhead monstrosity of a friend, yelled as he entered the street. Kanda didn't even turn to look at him. He wasn't worth the time. "Hey, Yuu-chan! I'm talking to you!"

"No shit, moron," the long-haired man muttered under his breath. "It's like you think I'm fucking _stupid _or something."

"Well, you aren't exactly a genius," the other boy said loudly, almost smiling.

"_What _was that?" Kanda snarled, turning on heel.

Lavi turned around and waved, sticking out his tongue. "Got you to look at me, didn't I?"

Bookman, the redhead's old master, suddenly appeared at his side with a disgruntled expression. "You _moron_, what do you think you're doing? Your logs aren't even _half _finished."

"I'll see you later, Yuu! Tell the old lady I said hey-lo!" Lavi yelled as he was dragged away. "Ow! Goddamn, Panda, what the hell was that for?"

"Watch your mouth, idiot," was the last think Kanda heard before the two were out of sight and he was nearly to the entrance of the forest. His trusty Mugen was at his hip, and a glint of determination was in his dark eyes.

Kanda strode into the forest with purpose. He wasn't afraid of it, naturally. He wasn't afraid of much of anything, to be honest. Mostly it was the other people who were afraid of _him_. The path to Miranda's house was well-worn from constant use, and he traipsed down it silently. The forest was quiet for the middle of the day, and it set him slightly on edge. Suddenly, before his feet, a white-haired boy rolled to a stop. Beyond the trees was a large hill, and the kid pushed himself up to sitting with a groan.

"Ow, that really hurt… That's the last time I try to climb to the top of that stupid tree," he said quietly, rubbing his head and looking up. Kanda looked back down at him, gracing him with a disgusted expression. "Oh, hey Kanda! I didn't know you were coming into the forest today!"

"Che, get out of my way, _Moyashi_," Kanda said with a curl of his lip. The white-haired boy looked offended for a second before another person ran into the scene.

Lenalee, her dark hair pulled into a short ponytail, looked worriedly at her friend. "Allen! Are you okay? I _told _you not to climb so high," she scolded, hands on her hips. She glanced at Kanda and smiled. "Oh, Kanda! What are you doing out here?"

It was harder for him to be rude to Lenalee than it was for him to be rude to anyone else, so Kanda merely graced her with an unhappy look. "Tiedoll sent me," he said simply, disgruntled.

"Oh," she said simply. "Well, I guess we shouldn't keep you. Wait – are you on a mission? Allen and I can help you! My dark boots are as good as new, and Allen's arm is in _great _condition!"

"No," Kanda said flatly. "I don't want _his _help."

"Good, because I don't want to help that _moron _either," Allen remarked. "I bet he can't even see past those stupid bangs of his."

"_What_?" the long-haired man's temper flared and his hand drifted towards his belt. Mugen was _itching _to slice the brat up. A strong wind started blowing and the edges of his cloak flared out.

"He didn't mean it, Kanda!" Lenalee said desperately, trying to block the shorter boy from view. "You're supposed to be on your mission, remember? But be careful – I heard there are some Noah in the area. Don't go off the path!"

"Che, like I would anyway," Kanda muttered before turning on heel and walking away.

So Kanda kept walking along the path. There was some dust on the path at one point, but he didn't pay any attention to it. There was usually dust from the many travelers that traveled to their town of Black Order. It was a rather well-known town for their exorcists, and many different people came to ask for their services. It just so happened that Tiedoll, his adoptive father, was also a general in the Order and had the authority to order him out like he had. Even if it did suck and Kanda hated it.

The day was quite sunny, and when he finally managed to make it to a clearing, the sun was blinding. Kanda raised a hand to his eyes to shield them, but a sudden voice made him turn.

"What's this, what's this? An ex-or-cist?" a metallic voice spoke from his left, and the young man's shoulders tensed. It had to be an Akuma. The machines were part of the Millennium Earl's bid to take over the world – cue evil laughter – along with his terrible minions, the Noah Clan. The exorcists did all they could to stop them, and most people sought them out for problems related to the Noah or Akuma. Kanda was the only exorcist who wore a black cloak, though. He was unique, dammit.

"Mugen…" Kanda said quietly, sliding the katana out of its sheath. The blade glinted in the sunlight, and he lowered his hand carefully, wary of attack. The Akuma, he could finally see, was of a humanoid shape, and it cocked its head to the left.

"Eh? The exorcist wants to fight?" it said, voice disgustingly playful and slightly sarcastic. "Earl told me I should be careful around the Little Black Riding Hood, though…"

A vein throbbed in Kanda's temple. "I am _not _fucking 'Little Black Riding Hood."

The Akuma's head cocked more to the side. "Eh? I never said you were fucking Little Black Riding Hood. That would be like fucking yourself, wouldn't it?"

"Augh! Shut the fuck up! I'll _kill _you!" Kanda lunged forward, bringing his sword up and making a slicing motion. The Akuma merely danced out of the way, a metallic laugh bubbling in its throat.

"I'd better tell Master Noah about you! You might ruin his plans!" the Akuma cackled, dancing in place. "Make sure you get to the old woman's house soon! I'm not too sure what will happen to her – or that pretty clock innocence she has!"

Clock Innocence? So Miranda _wasn't _a witch – she was an exorcist, just like them! The long-haired man lunged forward, trying to catch the Akuma as it darted out of the way, but something caught on the end of his cloak and he tripped. "Dammit! Get back here!" he howled, supremely frustrated. It just wasn't his day.

There was a shortcut to Miranda's house that he knew, so Kanda picked himself up and started running in the direction of her house. An Akuma bullet whizzed by his ear, and he sent his lethal insects in the direction that it had come, hoping that they could take care of the machine. From the odd, metallic scream he heard a few minutes later, they had. Another scream wrested from the air, and he picked up his pace. He wasn't worried, per se, but his mission was definitely on the line.

"Aaaieee! Get out of my house!" Miranda's voice was screaming, high pitched and desperate. "What are you _doing_?! Get out!"

Dashing through the front door, Kanda nearly dropped Mugen in surprise. The dark-haired woman, who was indeed not a witch _or _an old lady, was wearing only a bathrobe and standing in the doorway to her room with a terrified expression. A deeply tanned man wearing a top hat was standing in front of her, and he turned. Kanda caught sight of deep gold eyes and curly dark hair before he sprinted forward, swinging his weapon expertly.

"Now, now," the man said easily, not even bothering to sidestep him. The sword simply went _though_, and it was oddly gross. "An exorcist, hm? Oh, it's Little Black Riding Hood."

"What the fuck! I am _not_!" Kanda exploded, swinging his weapon haphazardly. "Dammit! Why the fuck won't Mugen cut you?"

Miranda, standing with a hand over her heart, let out a breathy scream that sounded vaguely like a dying bird. "Get out of my house! I'm not _decent_!"

"Shut up, woman!" the Japanese exorcist yelled.

"You're quite pretty, exorcist," the taller man said, taking a step closer. No amount of slicing was doing any damage to the other.

"Fuck you! Innocence, _fucking activate_!" Kanda said loudly, running a fine-boned finger down his sword and inciting a spark.

"Kanda, watch out! He's a _Noah_!" Miranda screamed, expression frantic.

The Noah suddenly jumped back, looking at the innocence warily. "Yes, but I was hoping for a more subtle introduction. You may call me Tyki, and I assume you are Kanda?" the man smiled hauntingly, tipping his hat.

"Fuck you! Shut up and die!"

Miranda fled the room at his words, and he hoped she was going to get reinforcements or something and not to get dressed. He would be fucking pissed if all she had run off to do was put on a fucking goddamn shirt. Tyki took a step closer, looking at him with interest.

"You really _are _pretty, exorcist," he remarked, and before Kanda knew what was happening, he had been pinned against the wall by an iron grip. Mugen was slipping from his grasp, and the Noah's face was just inches from his own. "Quite… stunning, really…"

His lips were caught in an unwilling kiss; a hot tongue stroked the inside of his mouth. Kanda pushed against the hold pinning him in place, but whatever it was didn't budge. A hand slid from his face to his chest, and suddenly it slid _inside _his chest, wrapping around his heart. The young exorcist wasn't the smartest, he would admit, but he was _not _an idiot. At the mere touch on his heart, he froze in place even though it gave the Noah complete control of his mouth.

"That's much better," Tyki breathed, smirking at him.

The moment was interrupted when there was a rude knock on the door. "Hey, let me in! Or I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your house down, motherfucker!"

"I think you have the wrong fairy tale," Tyki said, glancing at the door only briefly. "Go away. I'm _trying _to rape this exorcist."

"What the fuck! Let me _go_!" Kanda yelled, feeling awkwardly helpless.

The door slammed open. Rhode stood in its wake, licking a lollipop. "I heard screaming! Who's dying?" she asked excitedly.

"No one," Tyki said impatiently, waving her off.

"Darn…" the girl said, disappointed. "Oh well. Tyki, Millennie says you have to come for dinner!"

The curly-haired man sighed. "Can't it wait until I'm done with this exorcist?"

"No!" Rhode stomped her feet dramatically. "_Now_!"

Tyki followed her to the door, shrugging at Kanda. "Sorry. All I wanted was to borrow a cup of sugar."

"And next time, bring me something to eat! How are we supposed to feed the helpful woodsman who's supposed to come and save us?" Miranda said, standing in the doorway with her hands on her hips.

"This is so fucked up. I'm leaving," Kanda said shortly, and with that, he strode out the door and back home.

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Yeah. Forgive my sad attempt. xDD

Review. I like it.


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